All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
