and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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