i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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