Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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