yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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