I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
