Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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