I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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