you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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