listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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