I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
