Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
