I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
