By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
