remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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