i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
