$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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