You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize