Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
