My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
