That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
