I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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