How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
