I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
