you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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