At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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