I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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