so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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