Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
