She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
