just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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