Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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