True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
