there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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