She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
