My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
