i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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