Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
