omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
