Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
