About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
