woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
