i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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