if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
