She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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