life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
