Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
