I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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