I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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