Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
