I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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