Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
