when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
