You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
