I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
