He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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