Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
